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literature
Nightwalk
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Literature Text
I stepped out into the chilly fall night. It was unusually nippy so early in the season, and as I left the shelter of the porch, the wind helped confirm my point. I trotted down the steps of the old creaky house. The yellow flaking house shuddered and groaned as Mother Nature leaned against it. I did a quick hop over the puddle gathering at the foot of the stairs, only to discover that it was much larger then I thought.
"Crap."
The water seeped into my shoes and I felt the moisture drench my socks. I turned into the alley next to the house, each step sent a cold blast of water from the soaked fabric of my shoes, reminding me of my mistake I made only moments before.
Resigned to have a cold the next morning anyway, I splish-splashed my way home.
I must have looked strange, a six foot two teenager playing in the water between the moonlight shadows of the houses. I watched as after a particularly successful splash sent up drops high enough to catch the moonlight and give off an ethereal sparkle.
The alley ended and I saw out of the corner of my eye, a silhouette turn the corner towards me and I stopped splashing. I swerved in the direction of a park only a block away, away from the stranger, so I could continue my childish indulgences. Amber glows filled several windows, and as I past I was able to join their lives, if only for a moment. I could hear children laughing, dogs barking, and a family who couldn't wait for Thanksgiving, had a delicious smelling turkey. I walked a bit slower outside of this window.
Without notice the stranger had disappeared ad left me alone just as I came upon the park. Glancing around I saw the dark outline of the play equipment and locked on to the slide. I flopped down onto my back letting the water soak into my sweatshirt, slightly drying off the plastic that was now bending with my weight.
My eyes faced upwards and I saw the stars blink in and out of view as clouds lazily drifted by. The top of the slide partially obstructed my view and I was barely able to see something fall. A cold bitter drop landed directly in my mouth causing my to sit up and spit. A chill breeze greeted my back and I felt a shiver coarse through my body.
The temperature had dropped dramatically since I had left work and my thin sweatshirt offered very little protection, especially now that it, like my shoes, had obtained souvenirs of the night. My family would be expecting me soon and I did a quick shake, sending sprinkles flying off me like a dog after a bath. I jogged the rest of the way home to keep warm, and was well rewarded as I threw open the door and a fresh blast of warmth seeped through me. I was home.
"Crap."
The water seeped into my shoes and I felt the moisture drench my socks. I turned into the alley next to the house, each step sent a cold blast of water from the soaked fabric of my shoes, reminding me of my mistake I made only moments before.
Resigned to have a cold the next morning anyway, I splish-splashed my way home.
I must have looked strange, a six foot two teenager playing in the water between the moonlight shadows of the houses. I watched as after a particularly successful splash sent up drops high enough to catch the moonlight and give off an ethereal sparkle.
The alley ended and I saw out of the corner of my eye, a silhouette turn the corner towards me and I stopped splashing. I swerved in the direction of a park only a block away, away from the stranger, so I could continue my childish indulgences. Amber glows filled several windows, and as I past I was able to join their lives, if only for a moment. I could hear children laughing, dogs barking, and a family who couldn't wait for Thanksgiving, had a delicious smelling turkey. I walked a bit slower outside of this window.
Without notice the stranger had disappeared ad left me alone just as I came upon the park. Glancing around I saw the dark outline of the play equipment and locked on to the slide. I flopped down onto my back letting the water soak into my sweatshirt, slightly drying off the plastic that was now bending with my weight.
My eyes faced upwards and I saw the stars blink in and out of view as clouds lazily drifted by. The top of the slide partially obstructed my view and I was barely able to see something fall. A cold bitter drop landed directly in my mouth causing my to sit up and spit. A chill breeze greeted my back and I felt a shiver coarse through my body.
The temperature had dropped dramatically since I had left work and my thin sweatshirt offered very little protection, especially now that it, like my shoes, had obtained souvenirs of the night. My family would be expecting me soon and I did a quick shake, sending sprinkles flying off me like a dog after a bath. I jogged the rest of the way home to keep warm, and was well rewarded as I threw open the door and a fresh blast of warmth seeped through me. I was home.
So for my creative writing class we had to write of a memory focusing on the five senses. Would love to hear feedback!
© 2013 - 2024 JasonTruloy
Comments1
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Originality Technique Impact:devgrammarnazicritques: here. I’m Ed, and I’ll be writing some detailed feedback on your work.
I love the title, I think it works well, and sets up the mood of the piece really well. If you’ve managed to capture anything, I think it is a great, childlike joy. The way the stars shine through the water was my favourite. It’s so innocent and magical. Really well done.
Some specific comments:
-“It was unusually nippy so early into the season, and as I left the shelter of the porch the wind helped confirm my point.”
-“I trotted down the steps of my
Should this be ‘my’? Unless he/she doesn’t feel any connection with the house, or they’re not at home. I just assumed since it was night they would be.
-"Crap(period)"
Officially, but I don’t mind it open and unpunctuated, it has more of a beauty to it.
-“The water seeped into my shoes and I felt the moisture drench my socks almost instantaneously.”
I do like this, but be careful of using too much description. I think there’s a point between ‘My socks got wet’ and what you’ve written that would work better.
-“I turned into the alley next to the house where each step sent a cold blast of water from the soaked fabric of my shoes.”
Very pedantic now, but ‘where’ suggests that it is only in the alley where ‘each step soaked his feet’. It would have been apparent from the moment of standing from the puddle. Consider rephrasing.
-“Resigned to have a cold the next morning anyway(comma) I splish-splashed my way home.”
I think a comma is needed to break up the two clauses.
-Are you missing a new paragraph after ‘splish-splashed my way home.’?
-“I must look strange, a six foot two teenager playing in the water between the moonlight shadows of the houses.”
This moves into present tense. Nice description though. Oh and I’ve hyphened ‘six foot two’ because they’re acting as a single adjective.
‘I must have looked strange, a six-foot-two teenager…”
I tried to think about the five senses, and I’m not too sure what he heard or smelt. At least, if there was anything, they weren’t too major. You have plenty of touch and sight, though only one taste. I’d love to see how the wet jumper smelt. How does the house compare to it? Where do they live? Can he/she hear cars on a road nearby? Any animals? There are loads of questions I won’t bored you with!
Some of your descriptions are wonderful, but be careful of trying to make it sound too ‘posh’. What I mean by that is using words that are more fancy, that actually don’t help meaning. It’s like at the start when you were talking about water in your shoes, and you changed to moisture to avoid repeating water. They’re not quite the same, although you’ve probably ‘thesaurused’ it. Consider what else the water represents? Could it be said that the coldness of the water is what really bothers him/her?
You do have a great pace throughout. Although sometimes your word choice jars a little and stops the flow. Once you’ve got a good outline, it often helps to think about assonance. How could the words sound like they fit together? Think about vowel sounds. For example, though not necessarily relevant, ‘high tower and crumbling ruin’ – high tower is sharp and sounds, well, high – crumbling ruin is low and round. The sound of the words mirrors the sense of the meaning. Just something else to think about.
Overall, I think it’s a wonderful piece. Just watch out for some words that don’t ‘feel’ like they fit the flow.
Let me know if you’ve got any questions! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="
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